


Deserve it

by SmollestHunter



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Josh Lives, Not A Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25257766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmollestHunter/pseuds/SmollestHunter
Summary: It's the third time in three weeks that he'd managed to find himself staring into an empty bottle. Three weeks since he'd been discharged into the care of his father from the hospital for hypothermia and a raging staph infection, three weeks since he'd been asked to go to the fucking morgue to identify a body.
Relationships: None
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	Deserve it

**Author's Note:**

> Mostly I wanted to write vulnerable Mike. No one really writes him as being as fucked up about the mountain than he probably would be.

It's the third time in three weeks that he'd managed to find himself staring into an empty bottle. Three weeks since he'd been discharged into the care of his father from the hospital for hypothermia and a raging staph infection, three weeks since he'd been asked to go to the fucking morgue to identify a body. Three weeks since Mike held a smoking gun, literally. Three terrible, sleepless, horror filled weeks where night time brought the sight of disfigured, gaunt faces and flesh stretched thin over too long bones. 

In those three weeks he'd had to try to get used to being home despite the unshakeable chill of the mountains and the sins they all tried to bury there. Chris had left as soon as he could, especially when they drug in a shaken, bound Josh on a stretcher; He'd looked almost like he pitied him, like the blonde  _ wanted _ to speak to and help him but there was some kind of disgust rooted there as well. Ash had told them about the hell they went through before he'd gotten there. Josh's own personalized torture for them, some sick form of revenge; In the end, a tiny piece of him figured it was justified. Too bad Mike wasn't sure what to think anymore. Sam had held her arms around herself, the silver of the blanket around her shivering shoulders didn't do anything from shaking her from being her usual empathetic self. Bright blue eyes were stuck staring at the door the dark haired man had been taken behind, so sad it hurt.

It just killed him inside. Mike wanted to give her comfort, had reached out for her and opened his mouth only a fraction before seeing the blood on his hands, literal and metaphorical. He couldn't comfort her how he wanted without hurting her too. It was his fault, the brunette's mind reminded him duly, that they were short of three people. That had he just choked on his tongue and the venom in his words then Matt could have been standing with them, that had he not gotten into a fight or left the lodge then Jess would be trying to smile her way through, if he'd only  _ thought _ about the possibility that there was no way a wendigo bite was like a werewolf bite then Emily would have been- 

Would have been-

Choking back a noise, he can't help but bury his fingers, - _ or what's left of them _ his useless mind supplied mockingly-, into his hair. The sting of his fingers locking into the greasy locks and pulling was a welcome distraction. Standing and stumbling, Mike picked his way through the mess of his room to the hallway and then to the bathroom across from his door. His sight was blurred significantly, thankful his dad had ended up leaving the lights on for him like he asked. Even if the salt and pepper haired man didn't understand the  _ why _ , he at least understood the effect. 

Staring in the mirror, he couldn't blame the outwardly gruff man for being so absurdly concerned over him; He was paler than he'd ever been before, eyes bruised from lack of sleep and bloodshot from all the times he woke up sobbing silently to himself. Hair greasy from inconsistent draughts of showering, a five o'clock shadow from hell and his face noticeably thinner than when he'd gone to the mountain. He looked awful. Absolutely atrocious. He couldn't bring himself to change it though. The unfortunate thinness was just a side effect of food tasting like ash for three weeks, even Mike had to admit that his own clothes felt too loose on his body. Still he towered over what was left of his friends, Sam still being decidedly smaller than him when she'd come over to check on him. The burns from the lodge explosion were healing slowly and her eyebrows seemed to be coming in again at least. Mike had hid his bandaged hand from her during the visit, that was the last thing he needed her pitying on him. Eventually she'd left and the cold seeped back into his bones.

He felt like shit all in all, to the point where it was starting to make him just want to curl into a ball and hide forever. Pulling away from the mirror with a groan, the brunette hurried to do his business and ignore his reflection.

Getting back to his room was slightly easier, less blurry. The lights were on in his room, the messy piles of clothes on the floor nudged out of the way in favor of him going to sit on his bed. Maybe he could just bury himself under the sheets for the rest of the night, pretend the monsters in his mind were gone for once-

The ever annoying jingle of his phone ringing had him contemplating just ignoring it. It was probably Sam. Most likely Sam, actually. She was the only one who still tried to talk to him,what with Chris going and distancing from everyone but Ashley and Ashley becoming a hermit in her own home. Going over to stop the ringing at least, he ended up blinking, reaching up to rub scratchy bandages against sensitive flesh in an attempt to clear his sight. No way. There was absolutely no  _ fucking way- _

The ringing was back and he found himself with the phone in hand, swiping up to answer, "...Josh?"

"..." The silence on the other end was only punctuated by bated breaths.

"Dude, are you there?"

"...Yeah. Didn't think you'd actually pick up." And okay, that's fair but considering he didn't have anything else to do…

Still, he found himself squinting at his alarm clock, "It's three a.m., are you-" Okay wasn't the word for it. None of them were okay anymore. Josh hadn't been okay in a long while, something else Mike had managed to ruin. 

"Mike do you want to go for a drive?"

"A what?"

"A drive. In a car. Vroom vroom around." That makes him grin a bit, eyebrows squeezing together momentarily in disbelief and mild concern.

Eyes flicking to the darkness outside the window cautiously Mike felt his lips turn back into a thin line, "Are you going to try to kill me?"

"No."

"Then I guess it's better than doing nothing-"

Josh's voice cuts him off as soon as he gives his answer, just as tired as his own, "Okay come outside."

"...What?"

"I'm outside. Come on." Ah fuck.

____________

Did Mike trip over himself trying to put his shoes on? Check. Did he also almost faceplant against Josh's dumb fucking car? Check. Did he manage to  _ not _ die when he opened the door and slid into the passenger seat? Yes, thank  _ God _ . Too bad the brief, mildly humorous moments didn't stop the ride from being an absurdly awkwardly silent and drawn out hell ride. The best part of the whole fucking thing was being able to curl up in the seat, Josh not trying to pressure him into talking. 

It wasn't until they'd parked that the brunette looked up, eyes scanning the dark lines of playground equipment and the trees beyond warily. Josh's knuckles were white when Mike looked over at him, eyes flitting about nervously and unsettling the taller man. 

"...are you sure you aren't going to kill me?" And no matter how quiet he thought he said it, at least it seemed to make Josh's shoulders go from tense to slightly less tense. The dim light from old street lamps really did seem to set the mood for either a horror movie or for some shitty teen romance that Jess used to like. He isn't able to fixate on the thought as dark eyes turn to him, so tired it was almost draining to stare into the bottomless depths. Shadows cast across his face made him seem older, etching into and across the planes of his face in a sort of mock tapestry. The short waves stuck up in every other direction from each other like he'd drug himself out of bed just for this.

That half smile he tried to crack was so plastic it hurt, "Munroe, if I was going to kill you it wouldn't be somewhere so cliche."

"...nice to know..?" The silence began to stretch out again, punctuated only by light breathing and Mike let his forehead rest against his knees. Josh had gone back to staring forwards, out the windshield and into the unrelenting shadows Mike himself couldn't bring himself to see. Seconds to minutes to what felt like hours happened, glacier slow before he heard the rustle of Josh's sleeves and the rough exhale from his mouth.

"Mike," the tone made him tense, resigned, tired and so very unlike Josh, "Mike I want to know something. You're the only person who picked up my call. Why?" 

"...I don't know."

"You don't know?" Nodding slowly from his curled position, Mike kept his eyes closed. He sounded genuinely lost for a moment, the man next to him making sure his gaze was fixated on him.

"Look, I'm not going to pretend it doesn't hurt still," Oh, Mike didn't like where this was going, "But I-I want to know. Why  _ did _ you go along with the prank? On Hannah?" The sound of his voice cracking at her name caused a lump in to form in Mike's throat, hard to choke down on. Somehow it only figured that there had been a connection to the last of the Washington siblings inviting him out to that night. 

Slowly picking up his head, muddled amber-brown meeting resigned, honeyed depths, "I…I literally don't know what to tell you without it sounding like a bullshit excuse man."

"Can you try?" Sighing, Mike frowned as he reached up and ran a hand through his hair. 

"There's… I could say it was the booze," exhaling quietly, brows knitting together, "Or I could say that it was just stupid, dickhead kiddy shit but I… I don't  _ know _ , Josh. All I know is that Jess and Emily were- We were-" clenching his jaw, he buried his head against his knees, aware of the unfortunately softening gaze from the other as he watched him try to hide building tears.

"We were so wrong," it's whispered and it hurts, dredging itself from deeper in his chest with broken emotions Mike doesn't want, "And I'm so fucking  _ sorry _ , Josh."

This time, Mike only hopes that Josh would simply leave them drowning in silence; The rustling next to him is there before he knows it, a hand on his shoulder that's so much more real than he wants it to be. Mike can't look up, far too afraid of the string in his shoulders that's tied taut snapping and pinging around inside him like it's aiming to break his last defense he's been guarding and reinforcing since that night. Too bad Josh's hand is unrelenting, one becoming two and then he's being leaned towards the center console. There's a wetness he wasn't even aware of dribbling down his cheeks and it's almost burning from how cold he feels. 

There's arms around his shoulders, trying to keep him close without startling him but it's not what breaks that steel thread. It's Josh's quiet ' _ I'm sorry too _ ' that cuts through it and as much as Mike wants to know just what he's sorry about the sand his defenses are on crumbles, burning him through until everything feels raw and he's only vaguely aware of the fact he's grabbing back onto Josh desperately. The ugly noises are coming from  _ him _ , Mike realizes, sobbing into his shoulder with a weak grip on the back of Josh's thin hoodie. 

"It hurts, it fucking  _ hurts _ . "

"I know."

"I could have saved them!"

"... I know."

"Why the fuck- why the fuck didn't I just," choking on a hitching breath, Mike buried his head deeper against the pulled down hood, "Why didn't i just fucking die up there too?! It's not fair, it's not fair to  _ any  _ of them god _ dammit- _ "

There's silence, Josh just letting him cry it out against him and honestly, Mike doesn't want him to say anything. 

He doesn't fucking deserve it. 


End file.
